Chasing Dreams

The road to dreams are rarely straight…

I am alarmed that over two years have gone by since my last post. But it has been an eventful two years, where I committed to developing myself in something I have “always wanted to do.”

This comes after years of grinding away at 16hr days on film sets and offices. I finally took the first step of “chasing my dreams” when I made my first short (which can be viewed here!). I also used it to apply for film programs. 

It seems a bit counterintuitive to go to film school after working in film for years. But I really wanted to develop my writing - and that’s not something that happens when you’re crew (or any other role that’s not, well - a writer). I knew it wasn’t going to happen without some kind of direction, structure, and time. I wanted a year to do this, so I upended my life (again!) and moved to London, UK (again!) for a MA in Screenwriting. 

I am not considered “young” anymore. In fact, I was the third oldest in my cohort and had the most experience in the industry. I believe that you can develop yourself at any age (otherwise, what’s the point?). And everyone has a story to tell. 

It was a glorious year of finally writing stories that mattered to me. I also shot another short (which will hopefully be released soon!). It is a tough industry and unfortunately things haven’t gotten better in the last two years. There is a reason why everything currently coming out in cinemas is a remake, prequel, sequel, or part of a franchise. Everyone is struggling.

A lot of people see me as quite a pragmatic person. Which, ironically, is probably why it took me until this age to finally do something that seemed, well - impractical. I still feel myself pull back and think, “that’s not realistic” quite often. 

But during this journey, I have realized something - most people don’t have dreams they are chasing. 

I’ve had friends say supportive things and a lot along the lines of, “Good for you for doing something this crazy!” Then they proceed to complain about their jobs. But when I ask them what they would do if they didn’t have to worry about time or money, most of them don’t know. 

I was at a dinner party recently where a friend was told, “If you don’t have kids, there’s no point in living.” That’s quite a blunt way to put it, but I suspect there is an underlying truth to this for many people. You may hate your job, but you keep it in order to give your children (or other people who are dependent on you) a better life. You may work hard, but struggle to find meaning in selling another item for your company beyond your own paycheque. But you keep doing it because we all need money to live, right? It’s all a simulation. We’re all trapped. 

Well, I don’t have children. Or a mortgage. Or any object of high monetary value (I have always valued experiences over things). And as I have documented in my blog about having a third-life crisis, I haven’t had a traditional life in a while. So why am I doing what I’m doing if there’s no guarantee, if it gives me anxiety, and is all sorts of unstable? Especially since I am supposedly so “pragmatic”? 

In short - I am compelled to. When I ask myself the question of what I would be doing if I had money and time - it’s telling stories. 

Maybe it’s ego? But ultimately, it gives me a sense of meaning and purpose. 

Without meaning, purpose, and our values, how can we steer our lives? I suspect this is also an underlying issue for a lot of life crises when people “lose their way.”

I have asked myself, what happens if I do all of this, invest all this money, and I never reach my dreams? Will I be crushed? Will my life feel meaningless? I have burnt out multiple times in my life, so perhaps that has left a residue on my psyche. But at the same time, I have a sliver of hope (or belief? Or some mental illness??) that I have to try. I always feel that there is so much road ahead of me that I need to cover, and that I am so behind. And if I get off of it, if I was to “give up” - what does that mean? 

Dreams, priorities, and values will most likely change throughout our lives. And that’s fine. But on the road to our dreams, there is always the first step. The road is rarely straight for anyone. 

But I wonder if most people even get on that road. I worry about that for myself too. This is always a question I have in the midst of chasing - am I even on that road? For a long time I felt like I was running alongside of it and not quite on it. I endeavoured to change that. 

Because what is absolutely certain is - nobody ever gets to their dreams without trying, without taking that first step. They will stay firmly planted as fantasies.

Part of the reason I want to tell stories is that it creates connection. It makes people feel seen. For as pragmatic as I can be, I love that art transcends logic and connects with something deeper. On some level, we are all aware of the human condition and our capacity to change, even when many feel a resistance to change. We are full of contradictions, complexities, and simple universe truths at the same time. I have chosen to explore this through art and stories.